By Louise Rachlis
The first time we visited, we were so relieved. It wasn’t as bad as we thought it might be.
And that’s because Barry made it so.
We say we visit for the person in the bed or the wheelchair, but I’ve come to realize that the process of visiting the sick and shut-in does so much for the visitor as well.
For about a year I was part of a group that visited our friend Barry before he died of ALS. We each had a day to drop by, and usually brought over lunch. Barry was so cheerful and appreciative right until the end. We had been afraid of how it would be, but it was part of life. It was Barry’s gift to us.
If I hadn’t been visiting Barry, I don’t know if I would have had the strength to visit Linda, another friend who is in Saint-Vincent Hospital for rehabilitation after a brain aneurysm.
Linda’s husband Carl has been amazing in so many ways, and one thing he does is send out a regular newsletter on Linda’s progress, and how to visit her. He advises and encourages her friends to visit, and to let him know how it went. He wants to keep her as part of the world.
That’s what visiting does; brings the outside world in.
When my daughter in Toronto went for her regular visit with my 92-year-old mother, my mother looked up as Naomi walked into the room and smiled, “Don’t you have something better to do?”
But no, the process of visiting my mother for many more years than she thought she’d have the opportunity, has made a difference in my daughter’s life as well as my mother’s. My daughter has even gone back to school to get a Master’s degree in Music Therapy.
There’s nothing better to do than making a visit.
Saint-Vincent Hospital offers programs and services to patients suffering complex medical conditions, such as Parkinson’s or Multiple Sclerosis, those in need of respite care, who are ventilator-dependent, neuromuscular, and those in need of dialysis.
There is a plaque on the floor of the entrance to Élisabeth Bruyère Hospital, another Bruyère Continuing Care site, which reads, ‘J’étais malade et vous m’avez visité,’ or, ‘I was sick and you visited me.’ This seal from the Sisters of Charity congregation, was placed in the floor of the hospital in approx. 1950.
“That plaque illustrates the importance of visiting sick and ailing loved ones,” says Andrea MacLean, communications manager at Bruyère Continuing Care. “Even if they can’t respond, more often than not, a patient or resident is aware of voices or the presence of loved ones in the room and it raises their spirits and gives them hope.”
“One of the residual - though unintentional - consequences of being in an institution is a loss of one’s self or personhood,” says Patrick Marshall, a former chaplain, now the client relations advisor at Bruyère Continuing Care. “This this is especially true for Saint-Vincent Hospital because of the chronic illness component. I think that family and friends play an important part in restoring and maintaining that essential link, instilling hope, even if hope of recovery is not possible, and - if I can steal Carl Rogers - ‘unconditional positive regard’. Family and friends don’t appear with any checklist or agenda.”
Mr. Marshall is preparing a presentation for caregivers of people with dementia. “At one point in my research, I found a reference to the slow progression to burnout - the erosion of hope - that folks can naturally feel. It’s kind of scary, but it made sense,” he says. “I’ve seen many family members look completely broken-hearted by chronic disease. Many eventually fall off the radar.”
Here’s some of his advice about visiting the sick:
Do call ahead: This allows the person to feel prepared. “Nothing’s worse for a patient than realizing their family or friends are waiting while they have their scheduled bath, or finding a note on your bedside table saying you were at physio - we’ll come another time.’ Yuk.”
Do keep things light and hopeful. “Face it: if you were sick, your view of the world might change. Be prepared to hear about the changes; it might not be as bad as you’re anticipating.”
Do listen: “You have two ears and one mouth – use them proportionately! Some folks are so nervous about saying the wrong thing or hearing about the illness, they try to fill the air. Relax! Enjoy the person’s company the way they are enjoying yours.”
Do have a sense of humour. “Although illness, disease and accidents are not funny, no one is asking you to make them so,” he says. “Humour is a huge source of support, says the research. Did you laugh together before the patient was hospitalized? Then laugh together now. Laugh hard, laugh loud.”
Knock, wash your hands, and behave yourself; model good etiquette and a positive outlook.
Do limit yourself. “Try to focus on quality - not quantity - visits. This respects the patient’s fatigue level, and your own need to refuel. Shorter, more frequent visits are often better than spending the weekend once a month.”
Finally, listen to yourself. “I’ve seen many family and friends be blinded by this. Your loved one needs connections; take care of yourself so that you can remain connected. This means taking time out for you, exercising, eating well, socializing, etc.”
“Your involvement in their lives is more important than you could imagine,” he says.
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